Deep Thoughts ~ By Jack Handy

1. “When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.”

2. “When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.”

3. “It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.”

4. “We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.”

5. “Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared”

6. “I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.”

7. “My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him.”

8. “It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.”

9. “I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.”

10. “To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, Hey, can you give me a hand? You can say, Sorry, got these sacks.

11. “You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.”

12. “Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.”